and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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