I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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