It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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