May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
