I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
