He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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