God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
