she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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