I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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