We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Come share oat with me in your robe
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
