She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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