I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
