Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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