He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
