Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
