currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
