How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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