i don't like sucking hair
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
