you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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