Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
