his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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