Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
