Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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