and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
