just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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