you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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