I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
