i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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