just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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