I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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