I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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