I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
