Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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