Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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