Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
