dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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