At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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