someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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