i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my being single is dangerous.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
