Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
3 2 1 whiskey
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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