It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
