the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
