i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
