I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
