Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he fucked my hip out of place.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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