this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
