can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
