Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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