I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
