what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
